SPTRASHCAN

• Hab a code
• Mage somedig simble for dinner
• Sdard a pod of wader boilig with a liddle sal
• Blow your node
• Nuge a poud of groud beef
• Chob an onion
• Be unsure wedder you are gryig begause of de onion or de code
• Grush and mince a glove of garlig
• Blow your node
• Wash and slice some mushrooms
• Pud de garlig and some olib oil in a pan over medium high head
• When dey sdard fryig add de beef, onion, and mushrooms
• Meanwhile, when de wader boils add pasda and sdir
• Blow your node
• When de beef is brow, add a can of dice domadoes and a can of sauce
• Add some springles of basil, oregado, and do bay leaves
• Add some chobbed frozum bell bebber
• Reduce head do low
• Blow your node
• When pasda is done, drain
• Rinse and redurn do pod
• Add a liddle olib oil and some chobbed barsley
• Enjoy
• (blow your node)

First, a brief explanation of the name of this dish.

Stamppot boerenkool is a traditional Dutch dish made with boiled mashed potatoes and kale. It is usually eaten with smoked sausage such as HEMA rookworst, but what I had on hand was sweet Italian sausage. Thus, the dish became Dutch with a slight taste of Italian. And that reminded me of a novelty song my father used to sing to me: Notta Bella Margarineta, which is a song of Dutch nonsense that sounds vaguely like Italian…

Anyway!

• Be lazy.
• No, lazier than that.
• Lazy enough to want to make dinner out of just three ingredients.
• Halfheartedly chop 2 bunches of kale leaves into inch-wide strips.
• Throw them in the colander and sort of poke them around while running water over them.
• Grab 10 red potatoes and halfheartedly rub them a bit with a brush to get the dirt off.
• Whack the potatoes haphazardly into eighths.
• Dump the whole mess of potatoes and kale into a big pot and fill it with water.
• Put the pot on a burner on high, clap a lid on it, and forget it for a while.
• Shove some sausages into the microwave until they’re no longer completely frozen.
• Toss them in a pan with a bit of oil and put it on a medium-high burner.
• When sausages are browned on one side, sort of nudge them until they roll over.
• When sausages are browned on the other side, toss in a quarter cup of water and slap the lid on the pan while turning the heat down to low.
• Allow sausages to steam while you poke at the kale and potatoes. Make sure all the kale gets a turn underwater.
• Is the kale soft and dark green, while the potatoes can be squished with a wooden spoon? Good.
• Take the pot off the burner and put the lid over most of the top.
• Tip the pot languidly over the sink and let the hot water run out.
• Don’t let your dinner fall into the sink.
• Put the pot back down on the warm burner.
• Grab a masher and use it to prop yourself up until the potatoes give way.
• Repeat until potatoes and kale are a red, white, and green squishy melange.
• Add a little butter, salt, and pepper.
• Take the sausages off the heat.
• Chop the sausages into pieces and stir them into the potato mash.
• Pour the sausage water and oil over the potato mash and stir that in too.
• If the mash is too wet, put it on low heat and stir until the excess water cooks off.
• Scoop out some mash and plop it in a bowl.
• Repeatedly force your spoon on the long, arduous trek from bowl to mouth and back.
• Alternately, just shove your face in the bowl and make chewing motions.

• Remember that Journey comes out today.
• To the PSN store!
• Decide to make something quick while it downloads.
• Conveniently already have a package of Zatarain’s Red Beans and Rice.
• Decide to gussy it up a bit.
• Throw a pound of frozen cubed beef in the microwave to thaw.
• Chop an onion (“… and actually, it’s my soul!”), a red bell pepper, and mince a couple cloves of garlic.
• Warm up a tablespoon of butter on medium high heat in the big pot.
• Feel vague sense of deja vu.
• Throw in beef, onions, and garlic and cook etc. etc.
• Add bell pepper and about a half cup of frozen okra pieces and cook a while longer.
• Add 3.25 cups water and Zatarain’s mix, per recipe on box.
• Oh hey, Journey’s ready to play!
• Simmer covered on low heat 25 minutes while exploring beautiful ruins.
• Remove from heat and let sit 5 minutes… or maybe longer.
• Enjoy well-earned bowl of beans and rice while watching Journey’s credits.

• Check refrigerator for ingredients that need something done to them.
• Glare at remaining beer.
• Search internet for various permutations of “[meat] beer”
• Discover that Ludacris recorded an album called “Chicken and Beer”.
• Discover that there is a very popular recipe for roast whole chicken that involves sticking a can of beer up the chicken’s thoracic cavity.
• Focus!
• Find recipe for Pork Beer Stew.
• Throw 1 lb frozen pork into microwave to thaw.
• Begin chopping one medium onion (Bambi’s mom *sob*) and 2 apples, and peeling and chopping 3 parsnips and 2 sweet potatoes.
• Realize you’re not going to be done with the vegetables until well after the pork is done microwaving.
• Have samonella paranoia.
• Finish chopping vegetables, and crush and mince 2 cloves garlic.
• Put apple, parsnips, and sweet potatoesaside in 4 cup measuring cup.
• No, too small.
• Get out big bowl and put vegetables in that instead.
• Chop partially thawed pork into 1 inch cube porksicles.
• Warm up 1 tablespoon of butter in the big pot over medium-high heat.
• When butter has turned into bubbly liquid, toss in onion, garlic, and porksicles.
• Stir and cook until porksicles are brownish white and onion is transparent.
• Open bottle of beer with can opener in least impressive fashion possible, and pour onto pork and onion.
• Add 3 cups vegetable broth, or 3 cups water and 3 tablespoons vegetable stock.
• Taste small dab of vegetable stock.
• Receive entire day’s RDA of salt.
• Add 1 tablespoon packed brown sugar, whatever that means.
• Add 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard. Feel phantom top hat and monocle.
• Add 1.5 teaspoons of dried thyme. Flagrantly fragrant!
• Add chopped apples, parsnips, and sweet potatoes, being careful not to splash too much.
• What did I just say?
• Clean counter with rag.
• Stir in 1 16 oz can of diced tomatoes.
• Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low.
• Simmer partially covered until smell drives you mad (at least 1 hour).
• Enjoy your stew. Wonder who had the idea to cram a can of beer up a chicken’s butt.

• Read instructions on chicken soup mix. Eight cups water, simmer ten minutes, blah blah blah. Seems pretty simple.
• NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
• Check ingredients list. Carrots, peas, onion, garlic, celery. Can do!
• Get frozen chicken breasts from freezer. Cut open plastic bag and put on plate in microwave. Don’t think about bPA.
• Chop an onion; contemplate kittens in snow.
• Hack 3 cloves garlic into itty bitty bits.
• Peel and chop two carrots and 4 stalks celery.
• While retrieving carrots, notice 8 oz bag of mushrooms in back of fridge. Those are getting… elderly. Better throw ‘em in too.
• Chicken’s done microwaving. Toss onion, garlic, and mushroom into pot with olive oil. Set aside carrot and celery.
• Chop up semi-frozen chicken into cubes and throw into pot. Turn heat on medium-high and fry, stirring vigorously with optional hip hop flourishes.
• When onions are clear, mushrooms have mysteriously shrunk to half size, and chicken has turned white, add 8 cups water, carrots, and celery.
• Get frozen peas from fridge and throw in a handful.
• Add a handful of rice for the heck of it.
• Hmm, this soup mix was salty last time, and that’s a lot of extra stuff - better add another cup of water.
• Stir in soup mix. Remember what happened with the minestrone. Watch pot and stir with paranoid vigor.
• When soup finally comes to a boil ten minutes later, turn down heat to simmer and continue stirring.
• Ten minutes after that, call soup done. Spoon out bowl. Not bad!
• Write smug, self-congratulatory recipe post, quietly ignoring that the soup mix did most of the work.

• Buy packet of minestrone soup mix from store. “Cook ground beef, add 8 cups of water and soup mix, bring to boil, cover and simmer 15 minutes.” Seems simple enough.
• But whoever got anywhere by leaving well enough alone? Check the ingredients of the minestrone packet. Onions… carrots… tomatoes… pasta… black beans… all things you have.
• Thaw a block of frozen ground beef in the microwave.
• Chop half an onion and contemplate the misery of the world.
• Chop two carrots as well.
• And a little minced garlic, one or two cloves, certainly won’t hurt.
• Hey, what about that almost-a-can of tomato paste? That can go in too.
• And a can of diced tomatoes and a can of black beans.
• Ground beef’s finally done. Toss it in the pot with some oil and the onion and garlic and fry ‘er up.
• Drain the beans and tomatoes into a measuring cup and fill up to 4 cups.
• Pour the bean and tomato water onto the beef and onions. Add another 4 cups water, the carrots, and the minestrone mix.
• Scoop the tomato paste into the pot. Stir vigorously to get tomato paste unstuck from spoon.
• Toss in a few handfuls of egg noodles while you’re at it.
• Simmering time! Doesn’t seem to be boiling very vigorously. Leave on stove at medium.
• Come back in 20 minutes. Try to stir soup. Discover layer of burnt ingredients at bottom of pot.
• Oh nooooooo
• Remove pot from heat, as without the protective layer of burnt bits, the soup comes to a rapid boil.
• Stir vigorously in attempt to salvage.
• Blackened bits float to top.
• Oh nooooooo
• Eat a bowl anyway. Determine blackened bits have not completely ruined soup.
• Resolve not to do that again.

• The previous evening, move frozen pork cutlets from freezer to fridge in hopes they will thaw. Try not to think about what a food safety inspector would say.
• Check ingredients list. Wonder what hominy is.
• Go to Safeway. Buy a 28 oz can of hominy. Looks like… giant corn kernels?
• Spend several minutes rummaging through spice cabinet.
• Combine 2 tablespoons chili powder, 2 teaspoons of oregano, 1.5 teaspoons smoked paprika, 1 teaspoon ground cumin, and 1/2 teaspoon salt in large bowl. Stir, but not too vigorously.
• Set aside 1.5 teaspoons of spice mix aside for mysterious reasons.
• Is the pork thawed? Kind of! Slice frosty pork into cubes.
• Put frosty pork cubes into spice bowl and roll around with your fingers until they are orange (the cubes, and probably also your fingers)
• Wash your hands in warm water until fingers are no longer numb and orange.
• Chop 2 cups onion, weeping profusely as you do at the end of every Studio Ghibli movie.
• Chop 1.5 cups bell pepper. Recipe calls for green, but yellow and red are much more festive!
• Crush and mince 1 tablespoon garlic. Marvel at how incredibly painful garlic juice is in the cut on your thumb.
• Drain hominy into measuring cup, then fill up with water to 2.5 cups. So hominy is… soaked corn kernels?
• Ready to fry! Heat some olive oil in the big pan and toss in the pork.
• Clean out the spice bowl so you can use it to store the pork when it’s done.
• Fry pork until it’s whitish-orange and the oil is deep orange. Scoop pork back into bowl.
• Fry vegetables in orange oil to add flavor, grease.
• Put the pork back in the pan. Tire of transferring pork.
• Throw in the remaining spice mixture that was previously set aside for mysterious reasons.
• Add the hominy water, plus one 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes and 2.5 teaspoons of chicken stock. Boil that sucker up.
• “Partially cover?” Put the pan lid on a bit cockeyed, turn down the heat, and let it stew for 25 minutes or so.
• Internet!
• Stir up stew a bit, ladle into bowl. Hominy tastes like corn tortilla. Not bad, not bad at all.
• Put away leftovers. Rinse pan before oil stains it permanently orange.

• Go to Costco, fully intending to buy only stew beef and onions.
• Buy stew beef and onions, as well as cookies, muffins, turkey breast, and chocolate covered pomegranate. Haul them all away in your enormous hideous bag.
• Head over to Safeway for Guinness, carrots, raisins, caraway seeds, and parsnips.
• Be vaguely disappointed when you are not carded for buying Guinness.
• Wave awkwardly to the five other people behind you in line while the cashier looks up the code for parsnips.
• Divide 5 pounds of beef cubes into 3 plastic boxes of 1 pound each and a bowl with the remaining 2 pounds you’ll be using tonight.
• Heat up some olive oil in your big pot.
• Put some flour and salt on a plate and roll the beef cubes in it.
• Toss beef cubes into hot oil. Fry, beef, fry!
• Chop an onion while thinking of sad moments from sappy movies.
• Take a break and bandage your thumb.
• Wow, those beef cubes are frying hard. Better toss in the Guinness now to cool ‘em off.
• Realize you don’t have a bottle opener. Use can opener to pry off lid of bottle. Pour beer in.
• Whoops, recipe says to fry the onion first. Oh well, in it goes.
• One tablespoon of tomato paste? Seriously, just the one? Whatever.
• Add 4 cups of water.
• Retrieve jar of beef stock from fridge. Realize that the lid is sealed tight and no amount of straining is getting it open. Use can opener again to pry lid out a bit so you can unscrew it. Add 4 teaspoons of beef stock.
• Add a tablespoon of raisins and a teaspoon of caraway seeds.
• Half a teaspoon of black pepper? Eh, just grind the mill until it stops being entertaining.
• Leave that to simmer covered for an hour. Pack remainder of can of tomato paste into little plastic container, then stir it around when you realize you’ve trapped a bunch of air and can’t get the lid on.
• Chop 1.5 cups of carrot and 1.5 cups of parsnip, and half a rutabaga. Heh. Rutabaga.
• Internet!
• Remove cover and note time; turn up heat a bit and boil uncovered for another 50 minutes.
• More internet!
• Toss in carrot, parsnip, and rutabaga. Heh. Rutabaga.
• Cover, reduce heat, simmer 30 more minutes.
• Yet more internet!
• Looks good. Remove from heat, ladle out a bowl. Eat with roll. Tasty!
• Put away leftovers. Wonder what you’re going to do with 5 bottles of Guinness.